Last Night!

Last night was so much fun. Having fun with good friends having the dance floor to ourselves and teaching a new d.j. the art of line dancing music was a lot of fun. I love these friends, they are warm and inviting and really encouraging when you need them to be. There was a guy there at PISSED me off thought, he was just a jerk and I know him for creekside, and I just really wanted to slap him!! I didn't but it will make it interesting come Wed. He use to like to dance with me, but after last night, it is NOT going to happen. If there is a black book in dancing he is my first and so far only name on the list.

well that did not take long!

Well that did not take long for me to break! It is funny how thing s in your life happen. First you are really excited and passionate about doing something, and then the next life takes over and you go dancing 2 nights in a row, and when you get home you are to tired to do anything that take ANY thought!

Starting To Write

Wanting to start to write everyday! Lets see how long that last. I just finished the movie Julie and Julia, it is also about blogging, and I want to be up to the task. I think that it will be good to write. I am really scared of writing and I think that this might help, be prepared it is not going to be pretty!!!

Surgery

I just got my tonciles(not sure how to spell it) removed TODAY!!! It really hurts!! I want to remember what I felt in the post-opp room. Around 10:00-10:30 I remember feeling this warmth. I remember it because I was about to ask the nurse for another blanket, for I was getting cold. Being in this cubical, with nothing on by my underwear and a cloth, some sheets that they call blankets, and that was all. But I remember this warmth that came from my hand. I was so interesting, for I remember getting shivers at they same time. I was like someone was holding my hand, but there was no one in the room. It was located on my left hand and they traveled over to my heart. This warmth was so comforting.

Someone once told me, that they could feel themselves getting kissed, from miles away. That is what this felt like. Like someone was holding my hand and thinking about my heart, thinking about comforting me, and praying for me. It was really special. So if any of my friends were thinking about me around this time today, Thank you!! It did not go unnoticed. I felt the LOVE of God in your prayers.

I feel so blessed, to have amazing people in my life. My parents who will support me in everything that I do. A great brother, who in his own way shows and expresses his love to me. Great and amazing friends,who I know that I can turn to, a great job that will allow me to have this time off work without firing me, especially in this hard economy. Also I am grateful for someone new in my life. this individual is starting to mean a lot to me. God be the center of this. But more important I am grateful and thankful,and blessed for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! He who gives me a strength that is un-matching, and who will be with me and support me no matter what. He is the love that I shared with afternoon. I am grateful that he showed me in a tangible way, they love that he has for me. Thank you Lord!

Men Online

Ok, I did it, I am communicating with me online. I do not know how I really feel about this. I am nervous, scared, excited, shy, and cautions all at once. I do not know if I can trust anyone. I know that I a m being honest with everything that I am saying, but are they? It is weird to just put yourself out like this, and hope that the guy will not just run for the hill. Especially once they have seen your picture. Oh, Lord help!!

Counseling

Counseling, ok here is the thing. should I or should I not get counseling, and by who? I feel like sometimes I could go nuts with no one that I can really to to about things. I love the people that are in my life, but something is holding me back into not trusting them with what is REALLY going on in my heart and head. I think that it would be really a good thing to have someone in my life that I have to talk to and who has to talk and listen to me. This way I will not have to feel guilty for telling them the truth and pray that the Lord will soften my heart to be able to speak what is really going on! Lord be with me that I may know who would be the best person to go to, and provide the money that will be needed, if I have to pay for the extra help!

My Things

STOP TOUCHING MY THING!!! STOP JUDGING ME!!! on my live and the way that I do things, or at least do it in private!!! I have not made one commit on the way that you live your life and I think that it is rude and frusterating. I really think that you think that you are better then others and it really hurts me to see you like this. I really want to tell you this, but I think that you will judge me! Is that my problem, I do not know, it is something that I am praying about (yes I do pray!!) Just back off!!

Hospital DAY #4

Saturday November 8th, 2008

There was a lot of weird things happened in the next days. I remember hallucinations about binging on the breathing machine.

I remember being on the breathing machine, and having to us this machine to breath. I remember hallucinating that I was listening to music and that the oxygen would only come if I could get to the next step of the song. It was like of like a puzzle!!

It would start with me thinking of a notes and that I would have to figure out the song from just those few notes. Me being a musical freak this was right up my zone! Having to try to figure out what the song is by just a few notes was so stressful, and completely overwhelming.

I remember my mom and my brothers girlfriend Teresa being there. They were having a conversation about something, I think it was about school that mom was doing (for she had her books with her). I remember that they were there, because I remember telling them about what was happening and having them laughing at me. I think that they were more laughing because it was funny and not at me. I can image sitting next to someone in the hospital and them just go off about not being to breath when you know that they can, how can I you do anything else but laugh.


I remember one night, the entire night was all about Disneyland!

Hospital DAY #3 (2)

I use to see thing in daylight along with the scary nights. Once I remember that I could see a movie in the curtains of my room. When I closed my eye I saw it there too, I asked my mom to close the curtains and she thought that I was going crazy, but I could see this movie with my eyes open or closed.

I was so certain that the next-door neighbors were watching this movie and that I could see and hear their movie in my mind. It was like I had seen the movie before, for in parts of it I was a cast member.

The movie went something like this:
It was a Romeo and Juliet situation with a mafia twist. This mafia was made up of all types of people, Blacks, White, a few Asia’s and Hispanic. This mafia had one real, rule, that you can’t say the word “can’t”. It started out with a killing in a mafia member from a traitor inside the mafia. There was a gather of the mafia leaders and there families to decide who the traitor was. My character was not supposed to be there, for I was a member of the other mafia in town, but I was a viewer of all things that went along in this meeting. What happened was the main leader made the decision that they wives of the leader would be wise enough to make the decision of who was the traitor.

What they decided to do was to create a note book that had all the pictures of the men that were in the mafia, and they had a time limit to make the desicion of who was going to be left out of the book. For whoever picture was not in this book would be the traitor and would be on the hit list to be killed by the other members of the mafia. The main leaders wife was allowed to put her family and pictures in first and then it was a mad dash to see who would be able to put their family picture in first before the time limit expired.

It was a pretty mad dash to see who could get it in there was a lot of screaming and fighting, and debates. Then I looked over at this mom from one of the higher families in the mafia, and she was in a state of shock, for she realized that she was still holding on to the photo of her only son. She tired to push her way into the crowd but it was to late. She then hoped that no one would notice. So once the time expired the women along with the binder came back to the main meeting to meet all the men. The main leader then looked though the book and eminently recognized that this women son was not in the list. He then assumed that the women figured out that this boy was the traitor. The women tried to explain that it was a time thing, but she could not justify it to him.

That is when my character stepped in and said that he can’t do that, and that it was not fair. That is when the tides changed and everyone attention turned to me, for I had said that “bad” word “can’t”. Then the conversation continued and I kept on saying can’t, and they kept on getting madder and madder. My character was sitting down in a chair and was knitting. Once everyone started to stare at her she began to pull on the string to try to get out of the room, to run away.

That is when the nurse awakened me, for there I was sitting in my chair trying to get out, by pulling on my cords, and air pipes. She came in really nervous about me. That apparently my heart rate was increased and she became nervous that I was in trouble. And there I was trying to unplug my I.V.

However this is not the end of the story. Later that day I remember, more about the dream. However it was not I in the story anymore, I was just looking at the story like I was watching a movie. The boy that was on the list then falls in love for my character that is from the other mafia, very much like Romeo and Juliet. Where the marry in hops that the families will unit and that the boys life will be spared once he show evidence that he is not a traitor to his family.

This was a very intense dream, having the feeling that I was in trouble and that people where after me. I was so scared that the nurse had to come in and double check on me to make sure that I was doing fine and not having a stroke or something like that.

Here is the email that I my mom sent out to so friends and family about this day. She actually sent this out on the 8th, but it is an update of what happened this day:

“Dear Friends,
I wanted to pass on an update on Courtney. She’s still in the Critical Care Unit. She had a stable night last night. There has been a slight improvement in her pancreas, but her levels for her lungs have taken a turn for the worse. She’s on a breathing machine that is pumping oxygen into her lungs, but if her levels do not come down, or at least stabilize (they went up during the night and her chest x-ray was not good during the night) they will have to put her on a ventilator (which they really do not want to do). They will be doing another x-ray and draw blood at noon and make a decision about the ventilator. Yesterday they had to dropped her oxygen in take to 60%, but during the night they need to raise it again to 80%.
We so value your prayers on behalf of our dear daughter.
With love,
Colleen”

Hospital DAY #3

Friday November 7th, 2008

There was a lot of weird things happened in the next days. I remember hallucinations about binging on the breathing machine.

Dreaming that I had to keep counting in order to get the oxygen. Now I know this sounds really silly, but it was SOOO real. I think apart of this was dealing with the nurses. When I first got on the breathing machine I found it really hard to breath normally. That is was really hard to keep a rhythm. The nurses told me that it could help if you count. 1,2,3,4, then 1,2,3,4, then 1,2,3,4… So, I started counting, it felt like hours later I was still trying to count. Then I think that I started to hallucinate that if I did not keep counting that I would not be able to breath. The nurses try to clam me down, but I was so tired from counting and trying to breath, that I was so overwhelmed that I became emotional and hysterical really don’t remember how I got out of it, but I do remember calming down eventually.

They wanted to take a x-ray of my system to see what was going on with my lungs and with my pancreas. However it took forever for the room to be free. I remember the nurses kept on coming into my room and talking to me and to each other. They kind of teamed up it took for nurse to take me to the x-ray. Once they got me down to the x-ray and started to scan me. They were unable to make a scan, for the stuff in my system. When I had my first x-ray before I got into the hospital you had to drink this really nasty tasting thing, this medicine showed the doctors the passage thing though my system. So once they tried this time to x-ray me I still had this stuff in me, so they were not able to scan my system. All of the nurses were kind of frustrated that I had not told them, and also that they were not able to scan my system to tell what was the update of my pancreas.

Hospital DAY #2

Thursday November 6th, 2008

For the next week I really do not remember much. Here is what I do remember about these days. Some of these things do not happen on the exact day that I say that they do, but these is the best that I can do.

After staying up for most of the night with my roommate, and the morphine machine that I was plugged into. The morning was pretty much the same with the roommate, wanting to help her out and not have her kill or harm herself.

Later in the day, a lot of my Reality Church staff came up to my room wanting to pray for and over me. This was such a blessing, for I had only been in the hospital for a day, and yet they all knew about it and wanted to pray that the Lord would heal me, as soon as possible. I remember Todd, Sean, Lazo, Jen, Cody, and John-Ryan… They all stayed with me for a long time, praying and making sure that I was doing fine. God Is So Good!!

Next thing that I remember is getting into another hospital bed, and getting rolled do to the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I know that I was having trouble breathing, so once I got there, they connected me to an oxygen tank that was connected to the wall, and which the tubs that went into my nose.

Here is the email that I my mom sent out to so friends and family about this day. She actually sent this out on the 7th, but it is an update of what happened this day:

“My Dear Friends,
I wanted to keep you abreast of Courtney’s condition. Unfortunately it is not good. Yesterday afternoon she took a turn for the worse and is now in intensive care with an extreme infection in her pancreas. She’s having a difficult time breathing because of all the fluids they are pumping into her body and her heart rate is high. She was stable during the night, but did not improve. Surgery has been postponed until they can get this infection on the definite down swing. Please pray for her.
Thanks,
Me"

Hospital DAY #1

Wednesday November 5th, 2008

The morning the the 5th, I went to the cat-scan to see what could be the problem that I had been having especially the day before. When I was at the cat-scan they told me that they found some gull bladder stones. I went right away to my doctor Richard Danson. He told me that is what he thought it would be and that I should get in touch with Dr. David Thoman. I couple of hours later I had my first appointment with him, and he said that it is easier to have surgery and take out the gull bladder in total. I said lets do it! That way I would not have to ever worry about stones again. We made plans to have surgery on Friday. At this point I was so hungry for I had not eaten all day! So I wen back to Carpinteria, so that I could get something to eat and prepare for a bible study that I had that night. I stop at McDonald's, and got chicken pieces and fries and a diet coke (my usually). I then went home to relax.

It was around 4:30 pm and I started to have the pain again, so I called Dr. Danson and asked him what should I do? He told me to call Dr. Thoman and ask him. So I did, he told me to go the Longs Drug store and to get vicotin and if I was still in pain go the the hospital. I waited for the prescription to get to the drug store, and then I started to drive over the the drug store. I started to have more and more pain, so much that I started to feel sick. I started to walk into the drug store and could not make it. I started to throw-up in the trash can in front of the store. Someone from my church recognized me and gave me some tissues and water. I made it into the drug store and walked up the the desk and told them that I was here to pick up my prescription. I went straight to the bathroom and started to throw-up again. I made about three trips back and forth from the counter and the bathroom. After the third trip I could not make it, I called my roommate Lara, and asked her to come and help me. She was wonderful and came right away. She come and bought a bucket and helped me up to the counter and out to the car. We drove in my car home and she could not really fit in my driver seat (the seat is broken). So we went back over to our apartment to switch cars. She made the conclusion that she was going to take me emergency room. I called my parents and told them they we were on the way, and if they could meet us there. We went to the drive up emergency room, got out of the car, and I was still in SO much PAIN!!

I really don't remember much of the rest of the night. I do remember that they connected me to the morphine machine. This machine gave me control of how much morphine would be going into my body. They told me that anytime that I was in pain to press this button and it would pump the morphine into my IV. At this point I have no clue what was going on. All I remember is them telling me that this would help and press the button when I was in pain, so for me that was like every 10 minuets.

One thing that I do remember, is my poor roommate. She was an elderly women, and I think that she was a little crazy. The nurses had her on bed alert. This means that anytime that she wanted to get out of bed (which was a lot), this alarm would sound off and would not stop until the nurse came in and turn it off. Also she had an alarm that sounded when she would bend her arm. Her IV was in her elbow, so if she bent her arm it would cut of the flow of medicine into her body and an alarm would sound off. After the nurse explained it to her, I understood what was going on, However my roommate did not get it. The alarm would sound and I would tell her to straiten her arm and she would say that she is, however There was a mirror between us and I could see what was going on, on her side of the room, and she was totally bending her arm. So once again the alarm would not stop until the nurse would come and turn off the alarm. However my roommate did not know how to contact the nurse, so I was the one hitting the button asking the nurse to come in and get her back into bed, or to turn off the alarm. So I was up all night!! And pretty much every time that I woke up I gave myself another shot of morphine! So it is no wonder way I do not remember much of that night!

Hospital DAY BEFORE

Tuesday November 4th, 2008

Election Day!!
This morning was like any other day. I had plans to meet with Brian Jensen for lunch at 11, or 12:00 pm. About a half hour before I was going to meet him, I started to have pains in under my ribs on the top portion of my chest. I met with Brian and later Brittany Jensen joined us. Brian thought that it might be my diaphragm, from singing to much. I put that on the back burner of my mind with a smile on my face. I then went and voted!! This was a hour later, and I was still in pain. I was going on my way home to Carpinteria, my doctor Richard Danson was on the way home, so I stopped to show him the pain that I was in, to see if there was anything that he could or if he could tell me what is going on with my body. He thought that it might be gull bladder stones, but did not want to say anything. He made a appointment for me for a cat-scan for the next day. I was to stop eating after dinner so that they could have a clear shot. The rest of the day went fine.

Kids, do we kill them??

Kids and libraries should not mix!!! There I was minding my own business, and school must have gotten out, for all of a sudden I was surrounded by at least 10 kids, talking, doing homework, being on the computer, laughing, running, driving me crazy. Seriously they do not work!! If you are wanting a place to be quite and to study library's are not the place to do it. I am so glad that I brought my head phones, but still. When you can hear people though your headphones you have got a big problem. Oh, Lord HELP!! I am not wanting to be "old" or anything like that, but why are parents not teaching our kids on how to handle them selves in a public quite locations. Did I ever do things like that? I can't remember, but I can pray that I did not. I apologies for anytime that I did to those that I disturbed. I know that sometimes it can be a cool thing to do but boys are boy from they are little.

For example there were 5 boys at the table, and one girl, the boys were talking and playing and the girl was doing homework. I can tell you this now, that the girl will be having fun tonight, and the boys will have to finish there homework. Point for my sex!

My Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what is or is not going to happen next. My life has this far seemed so stable. I always had a plan of what was going to happen next. Now that college is done and that I have not plans to go to grad school things seem really, really, really fuzzy. In my own fleshly heart I would have been married by now and having kids, this has not happened, so my mind goes what is going on?? I am 25 not married, not even dating, do not have a job, and it seems as though my plans are not looking so good. I know that the Lord is in charge of our live and His plans are so much better and greater than ours ever could be, but sometimes, it is really hard to trust and hope in His plans.

I have not been on a date in over 4 years. That seems like a really, really long time. It seems as though I have not had any opportunity either. I know that sounds really bad, and that I am going for a pity party, but is seem frustrating that I really want something and by my flesh I can't make is happen.

Sometimes I really question, if I was just a little bit skinner, or prettier or if I had better skin, or prayed harder, that I could get it to happen. People always say that when you are not looking for it, then it will happen. That does and don't make sense to me, for it makes sense that it can happen that way, but what if it is something that you have wanted for such a long time, how can you not want it to happen. It make me think that it will then never happen to me for I will always want it. How can you not want it to happen to you???

Oh, Lord HELP!!! Remind me that it is only though you that I have compeltion, and I want my faith increased the fact that if it never happens to me that you will still have something even better for me. That you are not done with me, and that you want the best for me, that marriage and kids might not be the best for me. Help me trust in you and your plans that you have for me. Be exalted in me, use me is eveything that I do that it my be pleaseing unto you. I do not want to do anything that is out ouf your will. I want to obey you with all that i am. I want only what is right and good coming from you. I know that if I obey you that they best will happen to me, you have made promsie in your Word testifing to this truth.

Lord you are so faithful with man, you are so gracious with us. I remember the children on Isreal, about how they would bake mistake after mistake and you would be so good to them. I remeber how they say your open the red sea and that they when across it on dry land, and then a couple of days/hours later where wanting to go back into slavery think that it would be so much better then with you. Lord help us man, remember the promises that you have given man, and that you will neve forsake us, that you do not only want the best for your people, and that all we have to do is trust is you and everthing will be great and blessed.

I LOVE YOU LORD, AND I LIFT MY HANDS TO WORSHIP YOU, OH MY SOUL REJOICE!!!

September 11th 2007

I found it really interesting that September 11th was the day that I first step into a plain with a heading to a different country. When most of the USA is totally afraid of flying, here I was with 87 other people bound to the Middle East, Israel!

I was so excited I love to fly, to have that freedom that it brings. To be able to check my luggage all by myself without my parents seems amazing to me. I remember growing up and having my parents do all the work and seeing the example of what they taught me to do, is so surprising to me.

When we got to the terminal I was so excited that I went right to the gate, it was my understanding that the rest of the group would join me. When I found the gate I was surprised to see that there was only 5 others that went to the gate first. The rest of the group and not gone though security but had went to find food and to shop before the 13-hour flight. Some from our group left but I stayed and finished the packages of reading that was required before we got to Israel.

Little bit, by little bit, others joined. Not really knowing the whole group at this point I had no way of knowing if we were all here, or if we were missing people. I chose to leave it into the hands of God and my leaders, for there was nothing that I could do about it.

Some of my friends began playing cards, and I joined in on the game of jin-rummy. Josh, JD, Josh G., and Kara all played for the rest of the time until it was could start to board the flight.

When we were seated I ended up sitting next to John Barr. I really nice man. We sat in the very, very, very far back. There was only to seat in our row, and we took them. I had never met John, and we talked for about 3 hours, talked about family, work, dreams, plans and hopes for the trip, about religion, we shared our testimonies, it was really nice and a relief to know that I was not seating next to a wired man or woman that did not feel comfortable with.

I had the chicken for dinner, with Hummus, and vegs. It was really good, I could not really complain, at that point I was so hungry, I would have eaten anything. Then I took a sleeping pill and started to fade in and out of the movie Ocean 13 and my music on my I-Pod Classic.

When I woke up it was breakfast time, Hummus, fresh fruit, yogurt and granola. Amazing fruit, and at this point I am falling in love with Hummus. For the rest of the trip and kept on sleeping or watching my I-Pod or the movies over again.

We Land!!

It is so green and the sun is setting with amazing colors. Everyone is so happy and excited to see what will happen next. After getting out luggage we break into 4 teams (just for counting sake). Once we are all there we are put into buses and off we went, over the Holy Land!!

A guide Amara comes onto the mike and welcomes all of us. As we start driving it begins already, the tour! We are able to ask questions about the town and villages that we pass, about why there is traffic and how can you tell the difference between one village and another.

At one point we make a stop and Amara gets on the other bus and Britt get on the mike and tells us that we are in the middle of and are passing in the valley of Armageddon. WOW!!!

We stop at a McDonalds, for the bathroom, and the sign is in Hebrew! It was so cool, and the big "M" was backwards, odd but really cool!

We get to the hotel and but our numbers on our bag and go right up to dinner! It was really interesting, trying new food for the first time, unsure of what is good, and wanting to at least try it all. It was indeed an adventure.

After dinner I ran to find my room change and then go right to the Sea of Galilee!!

AMAZING!!!!

At first it is so rocky but once you get in deep enough for forget completely, it was so dark that first night! I seemed as though all the youth of the trip were in the water, yet we still could be by ourselves. The sky was filled with stars and the surrounding hills you could see how close they were. The city on the hill gave out a great light that reflected onto the Sea and it shimmered.

I will never forget that night! Being in the water that my Jesus walked on. In the land that He loves. Being around the people that he died for. With Jesus in my heart and feeling His presence in this place that is how I fell asleep wrapped up in his love, and with the hope that this is just the beginning!

Short and Sweet!

Here we go, my first post. For some reason I am really nervus. Not that I think that it will be bad, but that I will actually be able to say all that I want to say.

So Sorry

First off for all that might look at this blog I apologize for all the spelling and grammar errors that might/will occur on this blog. The majority of the time my hands move way to slow. I have a tendency to skip key words, and even though there is spell check, I have never really been good at the whole grammar thing and reading though my work twice.